Thank God for Small Mercies

This past monday I received an award for being an oustanding in my district from the school board. While there, students from my high school made various different presentations. A female friend of mine who presented that evening said something cryptic to me about a close friend of her's that she'd like for me to meet, but the details were left out that night.

I spoke with her today; evidently she has a friend who has transitioned from male to female, and is now in her thirties. I came up in conversation, and she requested my info. So, my friend took down my information, and gave me her friend's information. I think I'll call her tomorrow.

I'm so excited. What are the odds? Meeting other transgendered individuals is so difficult to do at my age. She can likely give me invaluable information on the legal procedures that I'll eventually have to go through.

I'll keep the blog posted.

Star Wars

Okay. So, I have a solution to this "broken border" problem that everyone seems to give such a huge fuck about.

Remember project "Star Wars," back from the Reagan administration? It's like that, only with motion detectors. Problem solved.

But, you know what? I really don't care if illegal immigrants from Mexico want to come into this country and pick our strawberries. Anyone who thinks about it for a while shouldn't mind either.

Welcome to the global industrialized market. Brought to you by capitalists, bitched about by capitalists.

My father's father started out with the crappy jobs, which were later held by (insert ethnicity here) immigrants, follwed by (insert ethnicity here) immigrants, followed by Mexican immigrants. It's an experience that every immigrant individual or family is privledged to when living for a long-term basis in America, depending on the decade. Your family probably did.

And how do I feel now that I've been born into a minority? Not too badly about it at all. I'm referring to being TS, of course.

One thing that I think is fascinating is that transsexuals are inherently a discriminated against minority. In any country in the world, for as long as there have been transsexuals, there has been discrimination directed towards them. Just food for thought.

Romans hated Persians. Nazis hated Jews. The English hated the French. But there are no requirements for hating a transsexual. It's a pretty common hatred.

Socioeconomics suck.

White Trash Rating

Life sucks.

But, at least there is triple-cheese large stuffed crust pizza from Domino's for 13.99

Bosses.

You know what I love?

At my job, I have 3 co-workers that are on the same level of the totem pole as myself.

We have five bosses.

And above our five bosses, we have one greater-boss, who the other lesser-bosses talk shit about. To us. They talk shit about their boss, and eachother, to us.

We've got our pedantic boss, our anti-establshment boss, our blonde boss, our moron boss, our misfit boss, and our not-hard-working boss. Guess which one is on top.

I love this.

Gay Marriage

I think that as a demi-fag, I'm obligated to make some mildly beligerent pissing-into-the-wind post about gay marriage. Only once, though.

You know, I take that back. I should have said 'Only once during -this- administration'. Next administration there will be someone completely new to piss everyone else off about issues that we've already been pissed off about, and forgotten about. Then I can complain again.

Anyway.

I'm all for gay marriage. I believe that civil unions should be allowed for gay couples, accompanied with all the benefits that any other married couple receives. I also believe that in this country marriage is a religious institution. But, I have a slightly different angle on it than many of the gay parties that wish to legally marry. My thought is this:

Why does a couple need a ceremony or a piece of paper to remind them of their devotion to one another, when the institution they seek to validate their union can only envision them burning in hell?

I suppose there are plenty of reasons, and keep in mind that the above was written with the presupposition that civil unions are nationally allowed for gay couples.

The need for validation, gay Christian couples who disagree fundamentally with the teachings of the church, indignation, civil rights concerns, etc.

You know what I think is fantastic, though?

After transitioning to female (as opposed to male, which I was born as, for the new readers) I can legally marry another female, provided that my birth certificate has not been changed. And since I'm attracted to women almost exclusively, this all works out well for me, in theory.

I'm sure there is probably some reverse loophole though, that wouldn't allow for me to marry a female even though my birth certificate says "Male," because I have tits.

God Bless America.

April Ashley

Isn't she lovely? Her name is April Ashley. She's something of a transsexual pioneer. She's still alive, too. Lives somewhere in California, I believe. Such a cute woman. My hero.

This Train We On

Sometimes you have to derail to get your life back on the tracks. Things are just backwards like that.

I think that's what happened tonight.

I didn't get fired from my IT job. I didn't think I would.

I won't fuck up anymore, not even because my hormones are making me psychotic.

I feel human again.

On a Lighter Note

Jesus looked at Peter and said "Peter, you will be the solid bedrock upon which my Church will be founded." Then he looked at John and the other guys and said "Eh," whilst waving his hand apathetically. Then he looked to the striking woman with the wavy hair that shone in the lamp light, who the people of a principality had once stoned and branded a whore, and said "Dear Diary: Jackpot."

For those of you who watch Family Guy: HAH.

For everyone else: Sorry about that.

I've decided that I am pro-gun. Why?

1) Because a Republican is in office.

2) Charleton Heston is The Man. The bite in my dog. The Moses to lead my people to the promised land. The Mongolian in my grill. And he's like the best sci-fi actor ever. In one of the most thought provoking anti-establishment films ever made: Planet of the Apes.

3) Teamsters are lazy, but at least long shoremen aren't part of their union.

When a Democrat is in office, I think that guns should be controlled, to prevent the senseless and meaningless death of innocent people. I'm all about having my rights taken away by Democrats.

But when a Republican is in office, I'm the leftest winged Goldwater Conservative on the face of the planet (yes, that makes no sense). I like my guns like I like my home improvement projects: undocumented, unsupervised, unmonitored, untaxed and without a god damned permit.

I don't really feel that way, but everyone I know finds it funnny when I go off on made-up politically motivated tangents.

Out of Gas

I think I've hit a bit of a wall. I've been very low on energy and motivation for the last two weeks or so.

I'm still trying to unwind from my last college quarter, which was very stressful, and very intense. I'm on spring break from high school at the moment, but it isn't helping.

I have a meeting with the boss tomorrow afternoon; he's probably going to talk to me about calling in sick for a day, which coensides with what must appear to be strange behavior. My boss has no idea that I am transgendered, most people don't. I suspect that it will come up during the meeting. I hope I can remain in the internship after this. I do work for a very conservative school district, after all.

I think that my recent slump might have something to do with the addition of antiandrogens to my hormone regimen. Though, I have complete confidence in my ability to justify laziness. Still, this is a very uncharacteristic funk for me.

I was told a long time ago by a professional that antiandrogens tend to take away the masculine energy that a person's psyche uses. [Reminds me of Greek philosophy.] I was also told that this drop in energy might last a month or so. We'll see.

I bought a PS2 with my paycheck, as well as Gran Turismo 4 (a racing game series). Me and my beloved conservative Christian friend Andy (whose family watches Nascar on the weekend) are really into cars. Sometimes I feel like there is definitely a lot of guy in me, and sometimes I feel like a bit of a redneck because of the company I keep, and the "gang" of teenage guys I hang out with. That's my new thing, though. Cars. The physics behind racing is really interesting.

Girl friends would be nice. A girlfriend might be nice, too.

My body is starting to get really soft in appearance. That's a good thing.

I'll write more later, and add a post on the hormone diary.

Can I Sleep Now?

I think I want to live at the Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.

I'm so depressed it isn't funny. I think that puts me at a 2-3 (weeks loss).

Oh, well.

Tuesday Induced Coma

Oh, man.

My Tuesdays and Thursdays suck. Suck ass.

I wake up at five in the morning, and get in at 10:00 in the evening.

Between work, high school, and college, I'm out the entire day. But, I need to do this so I can get the hell out of Auburn.

I'm going to go pass out now.

*yawn*

First day of college went well. My Tai Chi 2 class was canceled, though. I need to find something else to do that hour. Th two replacement classes that I considered were either canceled, or full. Damn.

I'm getting up at 5:00am now. Adult Swim was still on. Dear god.

My Tuesdays and Thursdays are going to be murder this quarter. But, I asked for it. Waking up at 5:00am, leavng at 6:30am, and getting in at 10:00pm. That's only a 17 hour day. Hah. At least it's only twice a week.

I am totally going to need breast implants.

Mercy.

This country doesn't seem to know what mercy is.

Terry Schiavo's husband new her very intimately. He knew her innermost thoughts. If anyone could say "Yes, she would want to live like this" or "No, she wouldn't want to live like this," it would be her husband.

It amazes me that this story made the media spotlight.

And what's more, the legislative branch of the government in Florida interfered. I'm a very liberal person, with a touch of Goldwater Right in me. Is that what they're there for?

Here is an idea: Let's take the spinal fluid surrounding Terry Schiavo's PV brain, and put it into Christopher Reeves' spine. Oh, wait. Government already let him die.

Now, that scientifically is impossible, as replacing spinal fluid wouldn't 'fix' Mr. Reeves. It was a bit of a crass statement, but the logic is still there.

We can't let a woman who wished to be taken off life support if she were ever in a PV state die, because PV life is still life, especially as far as religious individuals are concerned, but we can ban stem-cell research that might otherwise enhance the life condition of millions for the same reason. I'm confused.

Introductions

First things first,

I'm from a reasonaby small city named Auburn (a complete time warp) in Washington State, about 45 minutes outside of Seattle. I've been here for 14 of the short 17 years of my life. The general population consists of dirtbags, scumbags, ratbags, red knecks, no knecks, and asses. But, it's home.

Here, I'm a high school student at an alternative high school, and a full time community college student as well. I'm exiting my junior year, and II'll be graduating in 06'. Woo!

For about three years, I've felt and known that I am transgendered. This means that I was born with all of the male goods, xy karyotype, but God has chose to mix things up with me.

Did I mention that I'm as surely Atheist as John Paul the II is dead? Ha hah. Okay, bad joke. I suppose I should take this time to say that while I am atheist, I have a deep respect for all religions, and the people who practice them. I can't help but have a bit of discomfort at the thought of organized Christian religion, though. For obvious reasons. It's something that I share with many other BLGT people out there.

Moving on now; After my self-realization about being transgendered, I suffered in silence for a few years (like so many young and old alike do), until it became too much and I confronted my mother with my problems. With a few months of struggle, as there almost always is with less open and less intuitive parents, I began jumping through the HBIGDA Standards of Care hoops. Four or five months later I began taking estrogen, and that's where I'm at now, six months into the process, ready to take the next steps.

I've been taking estrogen (estradiol, 4mg a day) for six months and antiandrogens (spironolactione, 25mg a day) for a few weeks. My body is really starting to feminize. Over the course of writing this blog for what I hope will be a few years, I'll document and write about all of the changes that are taking place.

A little bit about me: I'm taking whatever I can at high school and college, including two (soon to be three) foreign languages. I'm very into Asian culture, specifically Japanese. Asian musicians are hot like heavy metal plasma. I hope to transfer to the U-Dub in like a year. I'm primarily attracted to women, but consider myself bisexual (kinda difficult to be completely straight as a TG person). That about covers it.

Oh! And I think that Bruce Campbell and Bruce Willis totally need to star together in "Die Hard IV: This time, some real shits' goin' down."

Excuse me if my Queenie-fag-bitch-valley-girl-bobbin'-my-head-like-a-mofo attitude even comes out while I'm typing. I can't help it sometimes.

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So, now that that's done with, what am I up to today?

Nothing. At all.

Prepping for a new college quarter, eating a subway sandwich while I type this, watching bad movies on the SciFi channel, looking at my fattening ass (hormones) in the mirror . . .That's all the excitement for me today.

I'll post some pics within a few days, and begin explaining exactly where I'm at with hormones, so I can continue to document the change.

Pat